This is my story.
It has taken me quite some time to finish it...
Wondering how it will be received.
A Sacred Journey I share with you now.
Transparent. Raw. Vulnerable.
The last year has been a blur... my heart aching at the departure, the death, of my best friend late June 2016. He was my partner, my fiance, my Rock. Crazy how death hits us all so differently. I've never experienced it in this way, so close to home. Literally. Home. I'm still processing to say the least... as my Love continues the journey with me nonetheless.
Finding my way back to our Vision, the business, back to the Bus, back to my Apothecary is bittersweet. With the powerful support of family and friends, our Vision has been the spark that is kindling the flame in my heart today. At first it was too much, as every aspect of him lingered and overwhelmed me by the lack of his physical presence. Seeing "messages" he seemed to be leaving me, had me asking whether I was following breadcrumbs or the whisper of an angel, or just simply going mad. Well, being that I have traveled down the rabbit hole many times before, and survived, I must already be mad. So began the journey of grieving and letting go, allowing my heart and spirit to guide, as best as I always do. Even this was too great to resist, and really, why resist it. My Rock was guiding me back home anyway....back to my Self, my self love, inspiration, passion and my gratitude for Our Earth Mother and Us. To Us. All of Us In these Earth Suits. So many stories. So many lessons. So many Sacred Paths.
And this Journey has brought me on a most sacred path, back to the simple truth that Love is the conduit for all healing.
The sacred path of death is arduous. It is a path where experiencing the most painful, the most chaotic, the most challenging event, brings you to the most vulnerable places inside yourself to experience love in a way like no other. And where, in these intense moments, in the experience of losing love, it cracks us wide open to choose love for the survival of the Self.
What I thought I lost, I gained the greatest gift. I gained a Soul view of Self Love. It changed my whole perspective of unconditional love, forgiveness and acceptance. It changed my perspective of this Journey called Life.
I realize how precious and potent we are. I've always thought we are beautiful expressions of Spirit, though these words alone did not put it clearly to me until now. It is one thing to say it, believe it and have faith in it, but it is entirely different to really trust it, honor it, and to act on it. I realize how much I held myself back from giving and receiving love, out of fear, rejection and protection. I danced around the idea. Living a "spiritual" life-style, I was still very critical and judgemental. I was scared to love and be loved to my full potential. I was guarded, jaded and bruised.
With my Rock, we were on the path of exposing the roots of our fears together, learning to truly love again. And it was hard. I would say my mantra, "When it's hard, I love harder," to move through these layers, these walls we built around our hearts. We were gentle with one another, taking time to understand and heal old wounds, so that we could be free to really live and love. And this takes Time. There is "no substitute for Time." And in a moment of weakness, Self destruction and avoidance, it was over. There is no going back in Time on this planet. Only fine tuning through the inevitable process of change.
As I sit and continue to write and rewrite this story over these past few months, I have found my Self again. Allowing the Visions and Dreams we had to come back to Light and burn the fear from my eyes, to See again. To put to action these words. To put to action this Love I AM, that lifts me into sacred realms, expanding my awareness and opening my Self to continue forward.
To be the potent expression of Divine Love through my work, my play, my relationships, my Sacred Paths. To dance in harmony, spiraling upward, onward, in this beautiful Journey of Eternal Life.
In honor, in memory of my beloved, my babee, I gratefully give my Self fully, to continue building upon what we started. As gracefully as I can, I am shape-shifting my awareness to lean in, and Love, sharing my passions and wisdom to heal and be healed. To feel fully connected in appreciation and gratitude. To bring the Medicine Woman out again. This is my gift to the People and the Planet.
This is my heart song.
This is my story.
Thank you for reading and letting me share it with You.
In deepest respect and gratitude.
I bow to You.